Gotta Love Those Challenges
I was going back through my blog posts, as I do sometimes, to see what "mood" I'm reflecting on my blog. I've been struggling with my family lately and it's been getting me down. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't bumming all of you out. ;)
I'm so grateful for this blog because it's more of a "grateful journal" for me and highlights the good things in my life. I have a terrible memory and SOO much on my mind, so it's nice to go back and focus on the positive moments.
I wrote the "How you know when you're done having kids" post as part of my ongoing grieving process of not having the family I had imagined all my life. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but there are little moments that ping my heart and I can't help but feel the loss of not raising a daughter and wonder if I really have what it takes to raise these energetic boys. I've decided that it's best to let those feelings come and not push them back or pretend they're not there.
The holiday season is harder on me than any other time of year. We have all experienced these feelings in one form or another. I am truly grateful for my 3 boys and I realize that they're so strong-willed, busy, and LOUD because they're mine. (I've been known to be a little strong-willed myself, but I'm never loud. ha ha!) I also realize that I should just be grateful that I have 3 children at all. However, my logical brain and my emotional heart are always in conflict over this issue.
I know that I'm just tired from hosting Thanksgiving guests for a week. I've been wanting to share my feelings for quite a while now. I've hesitated because I know so many of you are struggling with real trials and mine compared to those seem insignificant. But it doesn't help that I get questions daily on when I'm going to have a girl (like I choose only boys). I wish people thought more about the things that come out of their mouths. I politely tell people that, "I tried 3 times, thank you."
Thanks for listening. I'll post some grandparent and great-grandparent gift ideas tomorrow. As well as pictures of my house ready for Christmas!
Can any of you relate to not having the family you dreamed of since you were a little girl?
I'm so grateful for this blog because it's more of a "grateful journal" for me and highlights the good things in my life. I have a terrible memory and SOO much on my mind, so it's nice to go back and focus on the positive moments.
I wrote the "How you know when you're done having kids" post as part of my ongoing grieving process of not having the family I had imagined all my life. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but there are little moments that ping my heart and I can't help but feel the loss of not raising a daughter and wonder if I really have what it takes to raise these energetic boys. I've decided that it's best to let those feelings come and not push them back or pretend they're not there.
The holiday season is harder on me than any other time of year. We have all experienced these feelings in one form or another. I am truly grateful for my 3 boys and I realize that they're so strong-willed, busy, and LOUD because they're mine. (I've been known to be a little strong-willed myself, but I'm never loud. ha ha!) I also realize that I should just be grateful that I have 3 children at all. However, my logical brain and my emotional heart are always in conflict over this issue.
I know that I'm just tired from hosting Thanksgiving guests for a week. I've been wanting to share my feelings for quite a while now. I've hesitated because I know so many of you are struggling with real trials and mine compared to those seem insignificant. But it doesn't help that I get questions daily on when I'm going to have a girl (like I choose only boys). I wish people thought more about the things that come out of their mouths. I politely tell people that, "I tried 3 times, thank you."
Thanks for listening. I'll post some grandparent and great-grandparent gift ideas tomorrow. As well as pictures of my house ready for Christmas!
Can any of you relate to not having the family you dreamed of since you were a little girl?
Comments
So there's my struggle for now. Hang in there. You are awesome and I'm grateful to know you.
I have to believe that God's plan is always unfolding and I try to trust in that--it still can be a struggle.
I understand where you're coming from because my sister feels the way you do. I understand because my family wasn't exactly the way I planned either. I ended up with two surprise pregnancies and now a house full of little kids. I know that you're thankful for your family just like I am and can't imagine one of them being different...but we all have these times! I think it's great that you open up about how you really feel...it's how we all get to know each other better! Thank you for being open...it shows us all we're normal! :)
Hang in there- you have been through a lot in recent years! You've come out fighting through it all! Just think- some day you will have 3 daughters (in-law) and I am sure you will love them like your sons!
Love ya!!!
like you said, everyone struggles in different ways.. doesn't mean that your struggle isn't real or unimportant.. just different!
it is amazing what people think is okay to say! sorry that you keep getting those questions..
it is funny how our kids turn out so much like us! you sound like an amazing mom, doing amazing things.. take care.. and I look forward to seeing your house decorated up!
I have 3 boys myself and I do get comments all the time about "so when are you going to have a girl". For me I alway felt I was going to have all boys so I have never been disappointed. I feel that I have a huge responsibility to raise these wonderful little guys to be the best husbands to the sweet daughter in-law that I will have in the future. {I have a great relationship with my mom-in-law} I was probably in line with you up in heaven under the all boy mom line. We need to start a club! I have several friends with 4,5,6, even 7 all boy families. I truly admire all of those ladies. You seem like a wonderful mom, never think otherwise. Also, if I ever see something down the "pink" isle I have 5 nieces that I can buy for. :)
I love reading your blog!
I too am excited to see your house all decked out for the holidays! Maybe I should take photos of mine too! Good idea!
I don't look forward to them growing up necessarily, but I do look forward to gaining two daughters in law and, hopefully, granddaughters.
I think everyone has their own challenges that we need to learn to work through. Don't feel like yours aren't as big as other peoples cause they are all just different!
I think back to when I was pregnant with my 3rd (a real surprise) and I was actually upset about it. I wanted to have the family I wanted at the time I wanted it. SO selfish- I know. I felt even more awful because one of my good friends isn't able to have kids and she had been trying to adopt for so long and here I was having kids with out even trying. It's not that I didn't want the baby, it's just that I didn't feel like I was ready for her.
I guess the Lord really does know best because I couldn't image life without her. Even though it sure is crazy around here a lot. I wouldn't change it.
We need to learn to submit to whatever the Lord has in store for us and just trust that there is a reason for it.
I know that for me patience is a huge thing that I constantly need to work on. "Lucky me"- I get lots of chances to work on it. Sometimes I get it right, but more often than not I don't. So I know that I'll keep getting those chances until it's mastered. Maybe not in this life.
I don't know if you get what I'm trying to say. I'm not the best as expressing myself, but I want you to know that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers that you'll be able to be at peace in your heart.
plus think of all the sweet daughters in law you'll get to have. and as far as people making lame comments you handled it fabulously. and next time burst into tears and yell if it makes you feel better and you feel like it. seriously maybe they need to realize you have wanted a baby girl and it isn't always up to you. we all struggle with not getting things they way we planned. and blogging can be a way to feel better about it. feel free. you are obviously loved. and everyone has down days,weeks, months. and it is OK to say so! i have a friend with 7 boys. she kept trying for a girl, and still wants a baby girl, so she is now looking into foreign adoption. you need to do whats best for you and whatever makes you feel better. ((hugs))
I always dreamed of having a big family - 4 or 5 kids. Heck, I even went into El. Ed. because I love kids.....
We have 2 boys and my husband says we are done. I would love to have more (isn't that what I'd dreamt of??). I would love to have a girl. A few years ago, just before I had my boys I thought I'd have 2 boys then a girl. So now I have the 2 boys but no girl. I often wonder whether I did have another it would be my girl?!? But I will never know....... (unless an accident happens!).
Even though my husband says we are done, I can't face the fact that I'm done having kids. It's so hard to accept that this 'chapter' of my life is over. That the only babies I will hold in the future will not be mine. {sigh}.
So I can totally relate.
Although my friend who has 5 children (4 boys then a girl!) said she found it hard to accept her family was complete, even though she knew it had to be.
Why is it this frustrating being a woman at times? And I've had the 'the more kids you have, the more righteous you are, attitude from friends. Very sad.
Oh, just to let you know I LOVE reading your blog! You girls are totally the type of girls I'd have as friends if I still lived in the US!! So anytime you take a trip to England.......
I jumped on your blog this morning b/c someone mentioned to me you had some great Christmas gift ideas, but then I came across this post and just had to send you a quick note!
I love your sincere honesty in this post. I think that expectations we set can sometimes bring us the greatest heartache. I too have found great disappointments in the difference between how I thought my family would be and how it actually is. We recently completed our second adoption homestudy and profile. NEVER in a million years did I think I wouldn't be able to have my own children. When I finally had to leave the path of infertility treatments and pursue the path of adoption, I had so much grief and heartache. Of course adopting Tyler eased much of that pain and replaced it with tremendous joy. But I do sometimes think that I've completed my grieving process, and other times I still feel the pain. Every pregnancy announced and every baby shower remind me of experiences I will never know. I enjoyed your post because it reminded me that we all struggle with challenges and we all have disappointments. I frequently forget that just because someone doesn't struggle with my same trial, doesn't mean that they don't have a set of challenges all their own.
You are strong and those boys need a great mom like you! Count your many blessings (all three of them... even if they are lively and loud and run you right into the ground!), but continue to grieve beause in your grief, you will develop a great deal of empathy for others struggling with the same challenge.
You're great!
-Carrie Carson
ps...I decided on the nativity puppets. Great gift idea! I'll have to peek in on your blog and website more often!!!
You are such a great mother. Your children are so blessed to have you as their mother.
Enjoy your sweet family.
Big Hugs
Donna
I appreciate your feelings about this. It's not trivial either. These are YOUR struggles, and even though they might seem small to someone else, to you they are unique.
BUT...I had envisioned sitting on the sidelines as my son played baseball and basketball, but unfortunately our one son has no interest in atheletics and the times that he has played any sports has been so stressful his father and I. That is sometimes a little disappointing. My daughters are not "ultra" girlie, girlie. I had thought I would have these girls that would wear ribbons in their hair and hate to get dirty and they would wear cute outfits with coordinating tights. No such luck. My girls are throughly tomboys. They love looking for bugs and making mudpies. I have used way more than my fair share of SHOUT to get stains out of the cute clothes I have bought for them.
I am grateful for all the blessings we have had in our life and try not to think about what my expectations had been, but rather focus on how wonderful reality is. It truly is sweet and and if I stop and really think I have the things that are truly important.
Thanks so much for bringing this up and giving me a chance to think about.
~~Nik
I have a big gap in my kids-- 8 years-- and the comments during that time were amazingly dense and hurtful.
We struggled with 'secondary infertility' - no problems at first and then all systems shut down. Most people said, 'at least you have 2' -- which is true, and I wouldn't trade them... but the point is when you feel a void, or when it isn't what you planned on, the grief and disappointment is very real.
The problem with this life is that we are never privy to the Big Picture and we don't know why things are the way that they are-- but it really is okay to be sad and to be frustrated and to vent out feelings.
Thanks for letting us into your world. Hope that you feel our love and that it helps, even if just a little.
Your affirmations and points of view have given me the lift I really needed. Thank you for not judging me and letting me express what’s been on my mind. You all get the Rockin’ Blogger Award in my book!
When I first married my hubby 13 years ago, I was going to have 5 kids. After my first was born, it became 4. Then after my second was born, it became - maybe 3 kids. Then two years ago, after much thought and some major things that happened after my second daughter was born I decided I was done having kids. I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in a long time.
I have 2 girls - no boys at this house.
But I am grateful for the two kids I have and the constant challenges that they throw at me.
Sorry you live in an area where people are asking you all the time if you are going to have another one or try for a girl. People aren't quite as straight forward here, and I never get asked if I am going to have more.
And one more thing. QUIT BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF! Put the beat up stick away. You probably have a tendency to feel like you are falling short because you are such a detail-oriented, organized person. But after lurking on your blog for awhile, you have it all together and are doing A LOT for your boys. Take a deep breath! There - better?
Next time someone asks you that stupid question of "When are you going to have a girl?" Just stare at them stupidly and don't say anything. Pretend you didn't hear them, or get distracted. LOL I think they will get the point. he he...
i love ya, di
I love your post because it is a great reminder of living Heavenly Father's plan for us...not our own plan.
You'll be one awesome fun Grandma one day to those girls & boys your kids will have one day...you'll go hog wild spoiling those girls!
P.S. And I think people ask those questions not to hurt you but as a compliment...they obviously think you're a great Mom. After all, you wouldn't ask loser Moms if they were gonna have more...right?!
I can relate to your feelings all to well. I also have three boys and have broken down in tears in Macy's over a pink dress. The silliest of things can set me off. Its part dissapointment in myself for my lack to gratitude and part anger at this "unfair" world. Yet, the thought of a daughter scares me too.
I can honestly say I do love having all boys. There is nothing like a son's hug and the way they love their momma! What I fear most? DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW! Afterall, lets face it, most of us want our moms there or call them first for the BIG events. Not our mother-in-law.
Here's to us! ::Cheers::
Lyn
BTW, I cracked up at you saying you are getting more girly with each boy comment, I've been told the same thing so many times that I have almost the same exact wording on my page. How funny is that? LOL